To Resolve Conflict, Redefine It
The holidays are quickly coming up and it’s the time of year when I see even more conflict arise in relationships – whether with partners, spouses, children, co-workers, parents, or extended families. These conflicts are often fueled by stress from busy schedules, reflecting on the past year, hoping for a better new year, the anticipation of spending more time with extended family, and unresolved conflicts that resurface. However, I want to assure you that by changing your perspective on conflict, this time of year can be an opportunity to resolve conflicts and improve your relationships easily and with growth.
Conflict is usually seen as negative, and understandably so. If all you've ever experienced is conflict that ends in judgement, criticism, blame, or having your feelings brushed aside, it becomes difficult to perceive conflict in a positive light. It tends to leave you feeling confused, hurt, and distanced from the people around you, exacerbating the negative connotations often associated with it.
My take is that the way you define conflict based on past negative experiences is the biggest problem of all – even bigger than the conflict itself! Too often the outcomes of conflict you have experienced lead you to view conflict as a bad thing in which you battle for your perspective to be seen or valued by others. During conflict, it's rare for our perspective to be understood without negative interactions, which can lead to hurt and disconnection. It’s common that when we feel we're in conflict, we mentally and emotionally prepare for a battle and either put up our defenses or withdraw from the situation. You may physically feel this in your gut, feel your blood pressure start to rise, or start to have racing thoughts about what you’ll say.
The good news is there’s a different way to define what conflict really is and once that’s engrained in your mindset you will see your connection with others exponentially grow. This starts by redefining conflict as difference. At the core, conflict is about your differences from others coming to the surface.
"Once you can start defining conflict through this new lens of difference and change your expectations about what it will lead to, including more trust and deeper relationships, you can start to harness conflict, or differences, for good." - John Sherrodd
I can’t stress enough how freeing it can be when your mindset is that conflict isn’t a bad thing – it’s just differences showing up. When you own this new perspective about conflict and expect it to be a constant in your life, you can even look forward to it. I’ve seen in my work with individuals and couples that re-defining conflict can lead you to new curiosity about others. It opens the door for greater understanding and the development of deeper relationships.
I encourage you to start applying this new definition of conflict to your life today and watch your relationships flourish even during moments of conflict. Here are five things you can do today to approach conflict in a new way:
Acknowledge and understand your past thoughts about conflict.
Embrace the definition that conflict is just your differences showing up.
Recognize when you are in conflict.
Explore how you are experiencing your differences with others.
Be curious (Ask questions!) about what is leading another person to be in conflict with you.
Learn more about these concepts and how to apply them to your life in A Deeper Connection. Find more details and how to order this life-changing book at www.johnsherrodd.